Lena and Lauren

I had to take a minute and let this one gel.  I didn't know if I really wanted to write about it because it's not my usual flow.  In fact, it's something I'd rather not talk about, but it's a part of my life that I cannot change.

For the last four years, the month of October has been rather bittersweet for me and my family.  My birthday is in October, my sister's birthday is in October, and my daughter Noelle's birthday is on October 9th.  Now that is an absolutely wonderful thing.  So many reasons to celebrate in October.  But on October 9th, I unfortunately have to remember something else.  The anniversary of the death of my daughter, Lauren Marie.  
October 9th is the day that I gained one daughter but unfortunately lost another.  Noelle you see, is an identical twin.  Tragically her sister did not make it into this world, and although I get to see what Lauren would look like when I peer into Noelle's happy face every day, it is something that can never be replaced.  Lauren was my baby, the one I named.  And I know, they're all my babies, my children.  But she was mine and Noelle was Carla's.  I asked Carla how she knew which one was which, but she knew.  She always knew.  I know in my heart that where Lauren is now, she is happy. 

Although the pain of the event has greatly subsided, I think about my daughter often, but it no longer hurts as much.  At times I feel her presence sometimes surrounding me and it always brings a smile to my face.  When this happens, I always tell her that I love her dearly and I'll see her when it's time.  And I think on what it would be like to have two precocious little girls bookending my two rambunctious boys.  I know it would've been great, and it is. And I love the way it is now with just the three of them.  But clearly it would have been better to have the fourth here with me.

Now this year I went into October expecting to deal with the usual rush of emotion and reflection on my little girl.  But this time was much different than the last four years because someone else dear to my heart was also lost to me.  My favorite aunt, Lena Loman passed away on the exact same day that my daughter passed four years earlier.  Now I don't presume to know the significance of this by any means, but it happened the way it happened for a reason.  My aunt Lena was the most loving and giving person I've ever known.  She had a wonderful heart and was a beautiful and kind soul, and she loved God with all her heart.  I will miss her.

Lena sometimes did things that baffled me.  She actually offered me her car when I decided to move out to Los Angeles.  Of course I took it, but that meant that she was left with no car of her own.  She did this even after I had smashed up my brand new Mazda 323 to bits and dropped out of school to be a Rock Star.  She gave and gave and gave, not thinking of herself.  As a child, I remember her as a strict disciplinarian, especially when my brothers and sisters and I where in church.  When we were being rowdy or disruptive, her favorite move was to grab our lips between her thumb and forefinger and just shake em.  And yes, it hurt.  But she was always there whenever I needed advice or needed to talk.  She was the best.

In her latter years she had contracted Parkinson's disease and was on medication which limited her ability to speak. The last conversation I'd had with her, she told me that her mind was still sharp, but her body just wouldn't cooperate anymore.  Finally she stopped speaking altogether, but I know she was aware of absolutely everything.  I saw her just a few days before she passed on to a better life, a better world.  I gave her a kiss, told her I loved her, and that I knew she understood every word I said.  I know she's happy where she is now.  And I can imagine what it was like for her to meet my baby girl Lauren for the first time.  She probably told her all about her silly daddy and all the crazy stuff he does.  And when I finally get to see them both again, I will give them the biggest hug imaginable.  But that's it in a nutshell. 

Happy Birthday Lauren.  Adios Auntie.  I love you both.  More than chocolate.